When a spouse dies: Should we lie to our parents

By Trisha Narayan

Should we lie to our parents to save them distress when one of them dies?

Please don’t do so. Here are two heartbreaking stories that I witnessed.

The first is about my neighbours who had been married for over 50 years. During this period, they must have had their moments of joy and moments of sadness. But what happened on the day the husband passed away bothered me greatly. He had complained of severe chest pain in the evening and his middle-aged son, who was a good friend of mine, had taken him to the hospital.

Around midnight, his father passed away. His aged mother, who was not keeping well, was waiting at home for news. The son did not have the courage to tell her that his father had passed away. Instead, he told her a lie.  As he told me, he did not want his mother to suffer through the night. He preferred to break the sad news in the morning. His mother sat in the living room through the night praying fervently, and hoping that everything will be fine. What heartbreak she must have suffered.

This is not the only case, where the family held back information. I know of another case where the son took his father to a hospital late in the night. The father passed away around 5 am. He called his wife and told her about his Dad’s demise but instructed her not to pass this information to his mother.

The mother could sense that something had happened. The family was talking in hushed voices. But were avoiding her.  It was only around 11 am when the body was brought home that her worst fears were confirmed. For more than six hours she was praying in the hope that her husband will return home.

Why do we do this? Why can’t we be honest with our parents in their darkest moment?

The most we can do is to hold back the information by a few hours. But do we realise how much emotional distress we cause to our parents in those few hours?

I shudder even to think of what kinds of thoughts would be flying in their minds as they wait for the return of their spouse. How they must be trying to keep their sanity intact?

I have one more question here. Who has given us the right to lie to our parents? They are the ones who raised us and taught us to be honest.

My advice to all children is: Don’t hold back information about the death of a parent. Be honest. You will save your worried mother or father great distress.

Read: How the family pushes elders to the brink