What I learnt while managing my ageing mother

By Aanchal Lal

I took care of my ageing mother for almost ten years after she developed dementia. My mother was an extremely independent person and took care of the family with an iron hand. As children, we were both afraid of her and loved her.

She was a unique person. My father too depended upon her heavily and would consult her on all important matters. It was therefore a great shock when a few years after my father’s death she started changing.

She was 73 when my father passed away. Initially, I dismissed it as old age, shock and grief. Knowing my mother well, I was sure she would pull herself together and resume a normal life.

But that did not happen. She became whimsical. Then she withdrew herself from social activity. She even stopped using her phone and cut down her TV time. These were her two great passions.

Our family doctor advised us to consult a neurologist. I booked an appointment in a nearby corporate hospital and took her there. The doctor spent quite some time talking to my mother. She then spoke to me. Her diagnosis was dementia.

This was a term I had heard for the first time. The doctor explained that this is a common ageing problem, and prescribed two tablets, one for the morning and one for the evening.  However, she also cautioned me that the best medicine can do is to slow down the progress of dementia. It cannot be cured.

The next few years were a nightmare. As the years passed, my mother became more and more unmanageable. I appointed a 24-hour attendant to help my mother dress, bathe, take out for walks, give medicines on time, serve food, maintain hygiene and help my mother perform all her daily activities.

The attendant was like a lifeline. She took very good care of my mother. But despite everything my mother was not happy. She found problems with everything and drive everyone crazy.

Here are nine lessons that I learnt while taking care of my mother:

First, I realised the importance of patience. She needed more time and assistance with daily tasks. There was no point in rushing her. She would end up getting irritated.

Second, I found that she liked it when I listened to her with genuine interest and empathy. It had a great soothing effect and went a long way in defusing major problematic situations.

Third, she hated to be patronised.  I would invite trouble whenever she sensed that I was trying to be overbearing. She may not be well, and have difficulty in walking but she would get upset at the very thought of someone trying to tell her what to do.

Fourth, I took great care not to offend her feelings when it came to sensitive issues such as grooming, dressing, or mobility. Nothing hurt her more than words or acts that reflected upon her growing dependence. She would put on a brave face in the worst of situations.

Fifth, I realised that involving her in social activities was better than medicine. She would protest but I noticed that she felt happy when she met her relatives or my friends. So, I took care to create opportunities for social interaction and reduce her loneliness and isolation.

Sixth, another thing that I realised was that my ageing mother pined for involvement in household activities. She waited to participate in ceremonies, special pujas or any celebration that was held in the house. It enhanced her sense of belonging and self-respect.

Seventh, a small word of praise or appreciation went a long way in motivating her, especially when it came to her difficulties in performing daily activities. For instance, I found it very painful to see my mother struggling to raise herself from the bed. I made it a point to commend her for her will power when she succeeded.

Eighth, I learnt the value of quality time. I found that my mother liked to watch television in my presence. I would therefore sit with her for some time every day and watch TV.  It reduced her loneliness and gave her something to look forward to.

Ninth, it took me some time to understand how important I had become to her. I was virtually her only connection with the outside world. She depended fully upon me for anything and everything. This could be a visit to the doctor, organising medicines, ensuring proper support or buying clothes.

Taking care of my ageing mother was a huge responsibility, and I felt terrible whenever I let her down.

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