What do you tell your ageing parents once their dependency grows

By Sunil Saxena

Conversations about your parents getting older can be a bit tricky, especially when you realise that they are getting into the twilight zone and can’t take care of themselves. It’s not always the easiest topic to broach, even though you know it’s something you can’t escape.

No matter how accustomed you are to having difficult conversations with your parents, the notion of discussing ageing and preparing for the caregiving responsibilities that may lie ahead can feel overwhelming.

On one hand, you would certainly want to respect your parents’ desire to make choices about their lives. On the other hand, you will be driven by an innate desire to assist and protect them. When discussing ageing you will have to contend with the thought of accepting the mortality of your loved ones, which can be unsettling.

While it’s true that growing older is an inescapable part of life, many of us hope that things will work out somehow. But do they? Who will take responsibility of your parents when disability hits them? What will you if you are working outside India? This is especially true of Indians where every second home has a child working abroad. Should you take our parents with you or leave them to your younger siblings to take care?  It is also possible that you are the only child. What happens, then? Who takes care of your parents?

The prospect of having to ‘talk’ to your ageing parents may seem daunting, but it’s an essential step in preparing for the future. You need to engage in open and honest discussions with your parents, ideally before a crisis arises. Research has shown that planning for old age with your parents can reduce family conflicts and make future caregiving decisions more manageable.

These conversations don’t have to be awkward. In fact, it’s often better to have frequent and informal chats that touch on various aspects of ageing. It is also important that you listen to your parents when having these discussions instead of dumping your own ideas and thoughts upon them.

Ask questions like: Would you prefer to stay at the home you built so lovingly or would you consider moving into your son’s home? What are your options if you require additional support, such as hiring a health caregiver or a trained nurse? Have you made any financial arrangements to take care of your medical needs? Who will make healthcare decisions on your behalf?

Advanced care planning isn’t about telling your parents that this is what the future is going to be.  It should be more of a profound act of love and respect as you share your views about the uncharted waters of ageing.

Read: When a spouse dies: Should we lie to our parents