The lifelong impact of sibling rivalry: A tale of unresolved conflicts

By Shajan C Kumar

Sibling rivalry is a persistent challenge for many elderly parents, often stemming from mishandled situations in their children’s early lives. This phenomenon can continue into adulthood, affecting sibling relationships and causing distress for aging parents.

The complexities of sibling dynamics are influenced by various factors, including parenting styles, expectations, and individual experiences. This article delves into the intricacies of sibling rivalry and its lasting effects, drawing insights from real-life stories like those of Devaki Teacher, Rajkumar, and Ravichandran.

Childhood sibling rivalry, marked by competition and conflicts, can be a source of frustration and stress for parents. Adolescents, equipped with heightened physical, intellectual, and emotional capacities, may intensify these conflicts. The teenage years bring about additional pressures, such as changing relationships with parents and friends, leading to increased competition among siblings.

While sibling rivalry can evolve over the years, events like a parent’s illness may bring siblings closer together, whereas marriage may strain relationships. Approximately one-third of adults describe their relationships with siblings as rivalrous or distant, highlighting the long-lasting impact of early conflicts.

Devaki Teacher’s family in Malappuram, Kerala, serves as a poignant example. Even after a decade since her husband’s death, her three daughters remain divided into two factions, engaging in pointless fights. Despite no issues regarding ancestral property, it lies neglected and locked. Devaki Teacher, now in her 80s, resides in Bangalore with her second daughter, highlighting the enduring nature of sibling rivalry that remains unresolved.

Parents play a pivotal role in shaping sibling relationships, impacting various facets of the parent-child dynamic. The parenting style a child experiences can significantly influence how they develop in terms of skills and interests. Despite being 50% genetically similar, full biological siblings are often no more similar to each other than to strangers, emphasising the importance of parental influence.

Siblings differentiate from each other to fill voids within the family, guided by early categorisations and perceptions of their place in the family. Parental expectations further contribute to differences in treatment, with some parents holding higher expectations for specific children, leading to potential partiality, neglect, and isolation.

Rajkumar, a retired Deputy Director from Chennai, faced a tumultuous situation after the passing of his wife. His younger son, seeking to care for him, brought him to his home in another country. However, conflicts arose, leading Rajkumar to suggest moving to his elder son’s place. This decision ignited a fierce dispute between the brothers, resulting in a fractured family.

Research suggests that parenting styles significantly impact sibling connections. Exposure to interparental conflict, family violence, and parenting qualities are linked to children’s sibling victimisation. Severe physical sibling victimisation often has the most connections to negative family experiences. Childhood is a critical stage when family contact patterns heavily influence how children learn to connect with others, with sibling ties playing a lasting role in developing cognitive and socioemotional skills.

“I experienced partiality from my parents when it came to decision-making involving me. They consistently favoured my younger brother, providing financial support and taking care of his family. Even during a challenging period in my mid-forties when I lost my job, they never inquired if I needed assistance,” shared Ravichandran, a Software Engineer residing in Kochi. His parents have since passed away. He emphasized, “I am determined not to replicate the same mistake my parents made, so I am cautious in how I handle matters with my sons.”

Sibling rivalry, a common challenge among elderly parents, often stems from early mishandling of family dynamics. The impact of parenting styles, expectations, and conflicts can persist into adulthood, affecting sibling relationships in profound ways.

Real-life stories like those of Devaki Teacher, Rajkumar, and Ravichandran highlight the enduring nature of sibling conflicts and the need for effective resolution strategies to preserve family bonds. Understanding these dynamics is crucial for fostering healthier sibling relationships and promoting the well-being of aging parents.

(The names have changed to keep confidentiality)

Read: Living with an elderly parent: Reality versus Expectation