My Uncle’s mood swings drive me crazy

By Prisha K

I have been tending to my Uncle for almost three years now. He moved in when my aunt died. Initially, he was sweet and accommodating though he had mood swings. But these were short-lived.

Gradually, his behaviour started changing. The mood swings became more pronounced. Obduracy crept in, and at times he became literally unmanageable. A neurologist diagnosed it as early stage of dementia.

I started feeling the sting of his sudden bursts of anger and hostility.  He would just blow up if he was not happy. Once he even threw the soup bowl against the wall complaining that the soup was lousy. It took me quite some time to clean up the mess.

However, as advised by the neurologist I did not retaliate or berate him. I took a deep breath and tried to figure out what could be the reason for such behaviour. Was it unhappiness with something I did? Or did some past peeve cloud his senses?

Whatever may be the reason, but such abusive behaviour is heartbreaking. Sometimes, it feels like no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough. The complaints continue driving you to tears.

I have been advised to hit back. Be angry. Put my foot down. Be intimidating. He may start behaving. But then I wonder why I should change. I am normal. What if my behaviour aimed at making him behave backfires?  I still love my uncle, and I can’t inflict emotional pain on him.

Then, comes the issue of a daily bath and getting into fresh clothes. You keep telling him that this will make him feel better. But he refuses to listen. Sometimes, to ward me off he feigns pain and refuses to get up from bed.

You wonder why he is behaving like this. Is it a mind block, a fear of falling or some irrational bout of depression? You cajole him, prod him, push him. But he will not listen. Finally, you accept your helplessness, and give up. This happens at least once every fortnight, sometimes more.

But what bugs me most is the use of offensive language. There are times when my Uncle simply takes off. He accuses me of all kinds of misdeeds. Once he even accused me of stealing. More recently, he has taken to cursing.  Once he even went to the extent of asking God to make me suffer more than what he is suffering.  Really. Is this his way of thanking me for what I am doing?

Such irrational behaviour goes much beyond the pale of mood swings. It is outrageous, indefensible. Even demeaning. I have to steel myself not to react in the same vein.

Then, of course there are delusions and hallucinations.  Initially, I thought that they were like bad dreams. But then the neurologist told me that this is a common symptom of progressing dementia. I should try and comfort him when he suffers such hallucinations. It is unnerving, but then I sympathise with his state of mind. I am his only link to a normal world. What happens if I break down?

The neurologist is sympathetic. He tells me that I am doing the right thing. This is the right way to slow down my Uncle’s dementia.

However, all said and done he is family. I pray that his mood swings that prompt such indefensible behaviour go away. He is really nice and sweet when he is normal. It is those moments that keep me going.

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