Living with an elderly parent: Reality versus Expectation

By Manav Rituraj

Our lives changed the day my father died. The change was sudden and now involved looking after my elderly mother who was in her late 70s.

In the beginning, my mother insisted that she would continue to live alone in her Kolkata house where she had moved in after marrying my father. That was the only home she had known for decades. She also wasn’t keen to leave the house as well as the community which she felt was quite supportive.

I am a single child and work with a multinational company that has sent me on a three-year project to Norway.

After performing the rituals following my father’s death, I had to go back to my job in Norway. I asked my elderly mother to accompany me, but she flatly refused. She was not willing to leave Kolkata, even if that meant staying all alone in a huge house.

I went back to my job and things were fine for the first few months. I would frequently talk to my mother and she continued to reassure me that she was able to manage well.

About a year later, I visited my mother and this time, I noticed that she had considerably slowed down. I asked her to appoint a full time help and she agreed after much reluctance. She continued to feel that it was unnecessary expenditure.

Two weeks after reaching Norway, I suddenly got a call in the middle of a meeting with a client. It was the new maid. She said that my mother had slipped and fallen in the washroom. The maid was in a state of panic and didn’t know what to do. I calmed her down and then I called my maternal cousin who lives nearby. He rushed home, called an ambulance and took my mother to a hospital.

I had to take emergency leave and I flew back to Kolkata. On seeing me at the hospital, she reprimanded me for coming all the way from Norway.

It was the first time that I had a major disagreement with her. I insisted that after getting better, she must come with me to Norway. She refused.

Anyway, after much back and forth, she finally agreed. On being discharged from the hospital, I got her air tickets and visa and we flew to Norway.

She looked unhappy at my home even though it had all the creature comforts. My wife cooked the food that she liked. We gave her a spacious room with a large window. Yet, she continued to look miserable. If I would ask her about it, she would simply dismiss me and say that she was fine.

This continued for about three months when the winter set in and it was virtually impossible to step out in the open. My mother’s morning and evening walks came to a halt. She was now cooped up indoors. She reduced the interactions with me and my wife.

Looking at her condition, I broached the idea that she may perhaps consider living in Norway and India by shuttling between the two homes. It was an idea that my elderly mother liked.

So, I decided to fly back to Kolkata with mother who was now completely fit and fine. We restarted the arrangement of a full time help and I also sought help from the neighbours, requesting them to drop by from time to time.

She looked genuinely happy after reaching home. She started talking with our neighbours and called up our extended family members, telling them that she was back in town.

It became clear to me that while I was able to provide the best of comfort in a foreign country, her heart lay in her old home. Sometimes, it is best to let the elderly live the way they want to live, instead of imposing our will on them.

Read: How I saved my mother from slipping into depression