I wish I had listened to my conscience …. and not done this

By Sunil Saxena

The proof reader was well past 60. His regular tenure had ended when he turned 58. After that, he had received two extensions of a year each, and a decision was pending on his third extension.

It was at this time that I joined the newspaper where this proof reader had worked for almost three decades. The newspaper had changed hands, and the new management wanted to infuse new blood.

I was in my early thirties, and this was my first leadership role. I was not ready for the bloodletting. The pressure was intense.

As the Editor of the newspaper, I was required to wield the axe, and make the organisation lean and trim.

One department that cried for change was proof reading. The technology had changed. The newspaper industry had moved from the hot metal era to desktop publishing.

There was a change in job profiles. The news desk now made pages and also proofed the copy, a task that proof readers had performed for over a century.

Proof reading was not the only job at stake. Typesetters, press foremen, page makers and many more skilled workers were becoming irrelevant. The industry was in turmoil.

The proof reader too was aware of this change. He knew that the era of proof readers was coming to an end.

As it so happened, the proof reader was distantly related to me. He was my elder in the family, and I had often listened to him, especially after becoming a journalist.

He saw me as his last hope. “Can I use my powers and get him another extension,” he begged, his voice close to breaking.

He added to my agony by talking about his distressing state of affairs. “You know my family situation. I still have a daughter to marry. I live in a rented house, my wife is not keeping well, and I don’t know what I will do if I lose this job.”

I did not know what to do. Here was a man who was desperate. He needed a job. His credentials were impeccable. The copy editors trusted him. He was the proverbial last line of defence. He had saved the newspaper several blushes in the past.

A few years back he would have been indispensable. But not now.

To be or not to be: A cruel dilemma

My conscience said keep him. Give him the much-needed extension. He needs it.

I had the powers, and I could easily do it. Nobody would have questioned my decision.

But I dithered. My mind wanted me to adhere to the company’s rules. It reminded me, “Let go of those who are past their prime. Do what is in the best interests of the organisation.”

For days, I sat on my recommendation. I did not want to say no, and I did not want to say yes.

Finally, with a broken heart, I wrote “Sorry. The extension need not be given.”

Like judges who break the pen’s nib after condemning a man to death, I too threw the pen away. Such was my state of mind.

The proof reader did not come to remonstrate with me. He did not raise family ties or his financial situation.

I do not know whether he forgave me or not. But even today, I cannot forgive myself for what I did. I pushed a good man into wilderness when I could have given him a lifeline and the company would not have lost anything.

As it is, the organisation did not last long and was sold to another buyer a few years later.

If you are ever in a situation like this, go by your conscience. Very often we take decisions that are not human. Instead, we throw heartless rules at humans and bury them.

This article was first published in Medium.com.

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