I am 80, helpless and lost and don’t know what to do without my caregiver

This is a first-person account of an elderly person who now requires the services of a caregiver.

I turned 80 last year. I started suffering from poor health when I was in my late 70s, with the health prognosis not being good as I continued to age. Otherwise, I had a healthy life till my late 60s.

I now need constant care, especially after I lost my wife to Covid. It has been an extremely difficult phase of my life and I just wish that people do not have to suffer like I am now.

We have two sons – one is a software engineer settled in the US, while the second one too is a software engineer settled in Bengaluru. Both regularly reach out to me over the phone.

I was staying alone in my flat in Gurgaon.

But, when my health deteriorated due to a heart complication, my sons advised me to take the services of a professional caregiver. They felt that not only would it help me out, it would also give them a peace of mind that their father is being looked after. Due to a paucity of time and professional commitments, both cannot very often meet me.

So, they hired a caregiver for me who stays with me throughout the day. At night, the security guards at my apartment complex check on me.

My caregiver ensures that I take my medicines on time. She also oversees the cooking by the cook and makes sure that the diet is nutritious. She sees to it that the maid cleans the house properly.

Most importantly, she talks to me and listens to what I have to say to her.

More than my sons, my caregiver is now playing a key role in my life. She is the fulcrum of my everyday living and I am grateful for what she does for me. As I am all alone at this stage of my life, it is a blessing to have a caregiver as she takes care of me.

In fact, she is the one who reminds my sons about upcoming health check ups so that I do not miss an appointment with the doctor. She accompanies me to the hospital and waits outside the doctor’s chamber.

Since I can no longer drive, she hails an Uber or an Ola so that we can go to the hospital. She even accompanies me to social functions and gently admonishes me if she finds me eating unhealthy food.

Even though we are paying my caregiver a handsome salary, the question is not of money. My sons are both earning well and they regularly send me money. But, money in itself is not enough. You do need someone who can spend that money judiciously.

On the day the caregiver takes her weekly off, the maid fills in for her.

I sometimes feel that we have become a burden. Yet, the caregiver does provide some human presence in an otherwise spacious but empty flat.

I do sometimes wonder what effect all this must be happening on the mental state of the caregiver who may wondering what she has got herself into.

There are times when I have snapped at her even though it is not her fault. It is simply because I feel one of my two sons should have been there with me. The reality, however harsh, must be accepted.

I too have accepted – with some difficulty – a caregiver in my life and I do believe that it has helped to streamline my life.