How the family pushes elders to the brink

By Bimala Gaurangi

As a health attendant, I encounter several situations. But nothing is more distressing than watching grown ups argue with their elderly parents.

You wonder what is happening. Don’t the children realise that their mother or father are no longer normal? Does it make sense to argue with your elders or browbeat them?

Here, I will share my experiences of being a health attendant to an 87-year-old woman whose mental faculties were on the decline. She had difficulty getting up from the bed and used a walker to move around. She also needed assistance in bathing, dressing and going to toilet.

The old woman was very nice when she would be in the right mood. But she suffered from extreme mood swings. She also would keep pushing you, even when you had answered her queries.

Her daughter found this very difficult. She hated answering the same questions again and again. At times, she would lose her cool and be rude and domineering.

She especially disliked her persistent querying about the food. This is how the conversation would go:

Mother: Is the food ready?

Daughter: Yes. Please come.

Mother:  What has been made today?

Daughter: Khichdi (for those who do not know this is a light dish made of rice and dal.)

Mother: Why khichdi?

Daughter: You only wanted khichdi. That is why it has been cooked.

Mother: I don’t want khichdi. Is there anything else?

Daughter: What else? What is it you want to eat?

Mother: Anything.

Daughter (exasperated): This is not a hotel, Mother. Please have khichdi. It is ready.

Mother: Is all food finished?

Daughter: No. Can’t you see khichdi. Either you eat it or forget it. I cannot keep dancing to your whims.

Mother: Can I have roti-sabzi (Chapatis with vegetable)

Daughter. Yes, you can. There is potato that was cooked in the morning.

Mother: Can I have potato with gravy? This one lacked salt. It was very insipid.

Daughter (Raising her voice): Why don’t you cook yourself instead of being critical of everything.

Mother (trying to hurt): Even dogs are fed better.

And the exchanges would go on …

What bothered me was that the daughter knew that her mother was not normal. What was the point of pushing her or hurting her? The old woman would respond bitterly.

My advice to all family caregivers is that accept the condition of your elders. Don’t enter into an argument with them. The elders are not happy at being rebuked or being put down.

Such behaviour only leads to bitterness and drives elders to more stubbornness.

 

Read: A caregiver describes how heartbreaking it is to take care of the elderly