How I connected with my ageing parents and made them open up

By Dimitri Adrian

When parents grow older, we tend to discuss a lot of things with them. However, ageing is not frequently discussed.

The children are normally hesitant to talk about ageing with their elderly parents since all their lives, they have had conversations on subjects which normally their parents have picked out, and not the other way round.

Ageing is one subject which is not a normal dinner table talk. Upcoming vacations, celebrations, moments of joy, and holidays are more common subjects which children discuss with their elderly parents.

But, as parents grow older, it is imperative for children to broach the subject of ageing. That will help the parents to speak about issues which they may have bottled up out of concern that they may end up adding a burden to the already hectic lives of their children.

Admittedly, it can be overwhelming to start a conversation with which you may be unfamiliar as you are comparatively young. But, you must start talking about ageing.

Growing older is inescapable part of one’s life. This brings along its own set of issues for which many are not well prepared.

One good conversation starter is to find out how they are doing. Beyond the monosyllabic response of “fine”, an elderly person may gradually open up about their day and talk about various issues. The most common topic is of health, for which most elderly take lots of medications.

While initially there may be awkwardness while discussing ageing, over a period of time it will normalise and you will find it easy to talk about it.

I, for one, regularly discuss ageing with my parents. These conversations gave me a great insight into how they felt and what their expectations from me were.

After talking to them, I realised that they felt lonely and it was a nice idea to take them out once a week to a restaurant. The outing helped them to get out of the house and its usual humdrum living. In the car ride, we would talk about lots of things and they would be able to unburden themselves.

The car rides became a much better place to have conversations around ageing, as compared to the dinner table.  We began to look forward to our weekly outings. There was serious talk as well as banter during the car rides.

After my father passed away, my mother told me that my father used to wait the entire week so that we could go out together as a family. The weekly ritual had kept him going even though he was becoming frail due to a debilitating disease.

Even after my father was no more, I kept up the weekly outing with my mother. We both used to enjoy it. I even took her on short overnight trips during which we would reminiscence about the good times that we had as a family.

She told me that she had been hesitant to talk about age-related issues. But, when I myself spoke about it, she had been encouraged to talk about it.

Now that my father was no more, we had long conversations about how my mother was going to manage alone. Both of us supported each other in the difficult days after my father’s passing.

I even asked my mother whether she would prefer to shift to an old age home. She told me that my father before his death had asked her to consider shifting to an old age home so that she could be looked after properly in her advanced age.

The fact that she could talk freely about ageing with me had ensured that she led a fairly good life after my father’s death. The only reason why her old age wasn’t too turbulent was because of the conversations that we had about ageing.

Do talk to your parents, as frequently as possible. It is a great stress buster for those who are in their advanced age. It is something that they look forward to.

Read: How I saved my mother from slipping into depression