‘At times I am overwhlemed by the misery and heartbreak that I see’

By Triveni Mehtab

A caregiver is needed to perform the most thankless jobs. There is too much misery and heartbreak. At times, you have to steel yourself to get ready and go to the house of the elderly person whose family has hired you. The family thinks that its job is over once the caregiver comes in. They can shut their eyes to the miseries of their elderly parent or parents, and leave it to the caregiver to manage.

Being a woman, I take care of elderly women who are gradually losing control of themselves. They lean upon you as a crutch because in you they find some solace.  But they also treat you as a slave. Afterall, you are being paid to take care of them so they can afford to mistreat you.

You are helpless. You need the job. So, you take the insults in your stride even as you try your best to comfort them. Here some of the things that I saw in most homes where I served.

Most families treats their ageing parents as a burden. They find their aged or ageing parents increasingly difficult to manage. What hurts the parents most is the child’s inability to find quality time for them. They accept that their children are busy but they long for them to come and sit with them. When this does not happen the parents feel very bitter and frustrated.

A vicious cycle then sets in. The more helpless you are the more unreasonable you become. This is what I found in most homes where I served. Often, the conflicts arose for the most mundane reasons. The mother would complain that the food is tasteless. The daughter would retort that if she does not like the food then she should cook herself. An argument would break out, with both mother and daughter trying to hurt each other. There would be no reconciliation. The wounds would fester and resurface when the next exchange happened.

In two homes, I found the son and daughter-in-law trying to silence their parents into submission.  Clearly, they believed that the best way to put an end to the so called unreasonable behaviour of their parents was to cow them down.  It did not happen. I found the parents getting more unreasonable.   Two of the old women I served broke into paroxysms of rage. One would gnash her teeth and bang her walking stick on the floor to show her anger.

It is not that children don’t want to help their ageing parents or the parents are deliberately rude and difficult. It is a very emotional and fragile situation. The aged realise that they are slowing down. They also realise that they need assistance. But they find it very painful and embarrassing to take the help of their children.

The situation worsens when the mind starts playing tricks. The misery and heartbreak intensifies.  The elderly find themselves confused and disoriented. The children too find it daunting to help their ageing parents with everyday tasks.  This is where the caregiver steps in – to bathe and dress the elderly and to assist them with their toilet needs.

The women I worked with found this to be most distasteful part of their plight. It was bad enough to lose control of their bodies. It was worse to open their bodies to strangers.

There can be nothing which is more mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. One ageing parent would often break down and cry uncontrollably at her misery. “Please give me poison and end my life,” she would beseech me. “I cannot suffer this indignity any longer,” she would plead.

It was even more heartbreaking to work with old women who were suffering from dementia. They did not know what they were doing. Sometimes they would babble endlessly. Sometimes they would be normal, remember everything. At other times, they would wonder who they are, what are they doing in this house. One did not know how to calm such patients.

The misery and heartbreak invariably takes its toll. You feel helpless, angry. But then you continue to be part of the system.

Read also: A caregiver describes how heartbreaking it is to take care of the elderly