A psychologist’s seven mantras for a happy elderly life

By Dibya Prakash

I recently read an article highlighting how the younger generation often leave their elderly parents in hometowns while moving to big cities in pursuit of better opportunities for themselves and their families. It questioned whether rising individualism among today’s youth is contributing to a decline in traditional Indian values. But are the elderly really helpless and is it actually fair to put all the blame on the younger generation for the neglect?

While I do feel bad about the concerns raised in the article, I don’t entirely agree with the propounded conclusions. The younger generation’s shift to big cities seems to stem from a number of factors, ranging from societal pressure to personal ambition, and therefore a gradual shift away from traditional family values can also be simultaneously observed.

While many justify this decision in pursuit of a better future, it often leaves the elderly to navigate their life’s challenges in solitude, raising serious questions about filial responsibility. This matter is indeed concerning but at the same time, it’s crucial to delve into the reasons behind this behavioural shift as well.

How did abandoning become a practice, and where did they learn this? As a psychologist, this prompted me to reflect on parenting theories and their profound influence on shaping behaviours, values, and relationships over generations.

During my husband’s posting in Lucknow, we frequently visited the renowned Muhammad Bagh Club. There, we often interacted with elderly couples who routinely spent their evenings at the club.

In our conversations, they frequently expressed a sense of void in their lives, particularly loneliness. Many had built big houses for their descendants, but their children were abroad now.

While the children encouraged their parents to join them, the elders themselves were often reluctant to leave their familiar surroundings. A significant reason for this was their attachment to their dream homes and material possessions.

Now, this sentiment wasn’t exclusive to veterans; similar patterns were evident among residents of tier 2 or tier 3 cities and villages. This raises a critical question: who bears greater responsibility for this situation; the parents’ generation or the younger one?

Now that I’m in my late 40s, I realize that the prominence of the nuclear family was very evident in my childhood. I saw my parent’s generation move to bigger cities for a better life, typically relocating with their spouse and kids while their parents visited occasionally.

Our generation grew up with the understanding that family meant husband, wife and children, and that pursuing a better life often meant moving to better places. And the generations were made to learn that dreams are important without minding about relationships, sometimes.

Even the younger generation followed the same path as of their parents, and they were labelled selfish. Isn’t this contradictory to basic thought or intent? Children learn from actions and they mirror what they observe from their parents’ actions deeds.

The seven mantras

This issue is deeply poignant, more or less, touching everyone’s life – either as a present reality or an inevitable future. To navigate this sensitive matter more efficiently, here are seven mantras:

1. Give your best to your children, but don’t sacrifice your life in entirety for them. Time is precious and doesn’t return so even if you have regrets, just try to let go of them. Start living your dream life today—it’s never too late to begin.
2.  Don’t expect too much from anyone, not even your children. See them as blessings that complete your life. Raise them with love and not expectations or a sense of investment. Trust me, this way, you’ll find joy in their happiness and never feel betrayed in what they do for themselves or for you.
3. Must plan for your future and avoid relying entirely on your children. Save for life after retirement, secure medical insurance and hire help to make it easier. Avoid spending heavily on a large house post-retirement. Your children, like you, may not return home. Instead, create a will and leave your savings for them, ensuring they won’t face challenges managing your estate after you’re gone. Focus on comfort and practical planning for your golden years.
4. Must cultivate a strong social circle in your neighborhood and embrace meaningful friendships because they can be as vital as your own family. Share openly, respect boundaries, and learn to say no gracefully. Never feel undervalued due to age; your worth comes from within. Know yourself, and cherish your unique value in every interaction.
5. Be kind and supportive, especially in helping raise your grandchildren. View this not as servitude, but as a blessing—a second chance to enjoy childhood moments you might have missed with your own kids. Avoid controlling or correcting; let everyone live their own life. Offer help without expectations, and you’ll feel happier, rejuvenated, and fulfilled.
6. Practice empathy by understanding your children’s circumstances rather than judging them. Reflect on their challenges and consider how you’d act in their place. If you feel distance is the issue, rent a home near them to visit on weekends or share meals. Enjoy your golden years independently by letting go of attachments to material possessions like your dream home. Decide what matters more—your belongings or spending meaningful time with your children.
7.  Prioritize your health with balanced, condition-appropriate meals and regular physical activity. Join yoga or meditation classes, maintain a steady sleep routine, and manage stress. Remember, age is just a number when you choose to live life fullyRather than blaming others for our circumstances, we must take responsibility for our own happiness and well-being. It’s important to remember that life is not about holding onto material possessions or expecting others to meet our emotional needs.

   By adopting these seven mantras—living without too much of expectations, nurturing relationships, maintaining our health and embracing change; we can live fulfilling, happy lives in our later years. As we grow older, it’s essential to focus on what truly matters: enjoying the present, cherishing our loved ones and making the most of our time. Life can be as joyful and meaningful as the way we choose to make it, irrespective of our age.

(The column Metamorph with Dibya appears every Friday.)

Read also:
Why loneliness is the biggest curse for the elderly
Balancing love and health in caregiving