A caregiver describes how heartbreaking it is to take care of the elderly

By Bimala Gaurangi

I have been a caregiver or a companion to the elderly for over a decade now. During this period, I have worked with almost a dozen ageing women in different homes, women with different social backgrounds, lifestyles, health and family problems.

Each experience has been different. However, one thing is common. The elderly in almost all homes get a raw deal despite the best intentions of their children to make them comfortable and happy.

The reason for this is not hard to understand. The children don’t need their ageing parents as much as the parents need them. This gap only grows with time, and what once were cherished relationships sour and bonds dilute.

I have tried to understand why is this happening in home after home. Here are some of my observations of working as a caregiver.

Old age has been called a curse from time immemorial. But the joint family, especially in India, provided some cushions. It was easier to age with your children and grandchildren and an extended family around you.

The breakup of joint families has left the ageing father or mother alone. The children may have good intentions towards them but they don’t have time. They don’t realise how difficult it is for parents to deal with the new realities where they no longer call the shots but are on the receiving end of decisions made by their children.

It is even more painful for those who have lost their spouses. They have nobody to turn to; no one to fill their lonely days, and even lonelier nights.

This is where caregivers like me come in. We are hired to take care of the aged parents. But can we provide the support that the aged need?

Some of us have been trained by our organisations as to how to respond and mitigate the sufferings of the elderly. Maybe, we can provide external support. We can ensure that the medicines are given on time, the beds are made properly, the rooms are kept clean.

But the elderly need more than that. At least seven aged women I worked with needed to be bathed and helped with their daily bathroom needs. They clearly resented a stranger invading their privacy.

But what do you do? You have to bathe them, for which you need to undress them and clothe them again. They certainly don’t like this but are helpless.

They are even more ashamed to have a stranger put on diapers. It amounts to indignity. At least three women had an even more serious issue. They would wet their beds, and felt ashamed to talk about it in the morning. Gradually, they become withdrawn and start hating themselves.

Even simple things like cutting nails becomes a problem. I have seen old women weep when their dress gets caught in a broken or misshapen toenail.  Something that came so naturally is now a painful task.

Their grown up children try and look the other way, hoping that the caregiver they have hired would take care of these ugly requirements.

The elderly may even live with this shame. However, they become emotional wrecks when they find that their children don’t give them the respect they deserve.

This is where the biggest cracks appear. Invariably, I have found that children are short on patience. One son would get upset whenever his mother demanded that he should not leave her alone. She had developed a phobia for darkness and would have panic attacks when the family went out in the evening.

The son would insist that he had a life too. He can’t be expected to sit around and spend all his evenings with his mother.

Another problem I noticed was the gradual sidelining of the aged mother. It would start with the aged mother not joining the family for lunch or dinner on days that she was not well. Gradually, the food would be sent to her room for her to eat alone while the family laughed and enjoyed their meals together.

Nothing could be more heartbreaking than this.

This unfortunately is true of most families. They gradually distance themselves from their aged parents, and then don’t know how to bridge the gulf.

And then they blame their ageing parents.

Really?

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